the past few weeks have been really interesting for me.
recently i made the decision to go with some friends to east asia for my spring break, through a trip that cru offers. i’ve never been on any kind of mission trip before, and since i know i’m working at camp this summer, i didn’t know when else i would have the chance. so i decided to go.
it’s a lot of money, and i need to raise the support. but i knew that ahead of time, and i kept saying (to anyone who would ask, and to many who wouldn’t) that i was really excited to trust God in such a tangible way. i mean, if He doesn’t bring in the support, it’s just not going to come in. it’s definitely a time for trusting.
but i soon realized, even before i started asking people, that i didn’t actually mean it.
i was not excited at all to have to trust God. i would much rather have all the support in already, know exactly what was going to happen, and when it was going to happen, and how i could prepare for it all. the whole trusting God thing… it sounded really nice when i said it, but did i really need to do it? was it actually necessary? i’m the kind of person that hates not being in control. and while i absolutely have the responsibility of building up a team of people, it’s all up to God. i have no control over who will respond and who won’t.
i also realized that part of the reason i was so hesitant to trust God was because i didn’t know how i, as one person, could actually impact east asia at all. perhaps if i was going for the summer, right? but a week? what could i actually do there that would make a difference? i figured all i’d have to trust God for was that He’d bring in the support really quick. now i had to trust that He’d use me exactly the way He wanted to, and that He knows exactly what He’s doing.
that’s a lot to trust someone with.
i wish i could say that from that moment of realization on, i never had any problem trusting God. but the fact is that, while I know have a better grasp on how God will use me (after seeking some wise counsel), and i know that He will provide support when He wants to, sometimes (lots of the time) i still have trouble relinquishing that control, trusting that God will totally provide.
but that’s the thing about trust. it can’t be halfway. otherwise it’s not trust. if someone can’t trust me with one thing, they probably aren’t going to let up for something else. i can’t say that i trust God and then hold back some part of my life from Him, worried that maybe it’s this thing He won’t follow through on. or perhaps it’s that i’m convinced He will follow through, but i don’t trust that His plan is way better. either way, what i have in Him is not trust.
this, of course, is stupid. has there been anyone who fulfills His promises throughout the history of the world more beautifully and fully than the Creator of all things? He promises some pretty amazing things. He will provide all we need (matthew 6:26), He rescues us from harm and delights in us (psalm 18:19), He refreshes our soul (psalm 23:3), when we’re overwhelmed, His peace goes beyond human comprehension (philippians 4:7), and, oh yeah, His promises never, ever fail (psalm 89:28).
those are some of the things i’m trying to rest in right now. and it’s not super easy, because i’m still a control freak. but God’s working on me.
on a side note, if you’d be interested in becoming a member of my support team, either through prayer or financially, just let me know! i’ll post some prayer requests, and you can feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.