week seven: strain.

things are tough this week.

the kids aren’t bad at all, but there’s just a ton of little things that are getting me down. mainly i think i’m just having a bad attitude about a lot of things, and i’m letting it effect my days. but i don’t know… it’s weird. things are changing, and i don’t do well with change. i’m not sure if i would describe it as change, though. can you tell i’m a little mixed up right now?

we moved up to the blazer unit this week for the first time. that’s just one age group up from braves, which is our regular unit, so the kids aren’t radically different (we only have two more eleven-year-olds in our cabin this week than last). the scheduling is slightly off kilter though, and i miss the people of the brave unit. i know the blazers, but it’s just been an odd shift. not enough to throw me for a loop, but enough to make me feel off balance. 

i feel like this week i’m also beginning to feel the pull of college. i’ve known since the beginning of summer that i’ll only have one week between camp and school, but it’s sort of falling into place right now. i’m just realizing what all that means. i’m excited for school, and i’m feeling ready for it. but there’s a lot that i’m nervous about. i’ll be leading a bible study this year, and while i’m (super) pumped, part of me feels like i’m just going to be throwing myself into it with nathan. i wonder if i’ll be able to use my time and energy wisely. i wonder which friends i’ll keep up with. i wonder if i’ll get burnt out. i wonder what people i’ll become super close with that i haven’t met yet.

it’s an odd feeling to be considering all these things while still at camp. they’re two completely different worlds, and it feels like they’re mutually exclusive, though i know that’s not necessarily true. my experience here has prepared me for this upcoming year (or rather, God has used it to prepare me).

i wish i had more than a week back home. more than a week to just do nothing. there are just too many people to see and catch up with and say goodbye to.

all these things add up to feeling more off balance (that’s the tie-in).

more than all that, i’ve been drifting away from the Lord lately. i haven’t had any quality time in the word in a while, a few weeks it feels like, and to be honest i’m having a hard time finding any desire to be. now, if you’ve been reading you know that one of the things i’ve had issues with in the past is that feeling like reading the bible is what makes me ‘worthy’ to be a christian or is somehow the only way to draw closer to God. i’m not saying that’s how i’m feeling right now. but i’m noticing a distance between me and the Lord because of my lack of desire to get to know Him any better. does that make any sense? i’m having trouble putting my thoughts into words tonight. 

the frustrating thing is, acknowledging this fact doesn’t do anything for my lack of desire. would you all be praying for me in that area specifically? i would so appreciate it. i think the devil might be trying to take advantage of my exhaustion and turning it into laziness (definitely not a stretch for me).

another thing that would be great for you guys to pray for is my friend jarrod. he recently had a knee reconstruction surgery to fix a torn acl. he’ll be out for the whole next week, and possibly the week after (which is the last week of camp), but he’s hoping it won’t go that far. jarrod’s a great guy, and the kids love him, so the sooner he’s healed up, the better.

a final prayer i would envy is for these final two weeks of camp. please, please be praying that the staff’s energy is at it’s best, that camp tecumseh would literally be a place where the devil has no power. that kids’ experiences here would contribute to them coming to a saving knowledge of Christ Jesus. above all, that God would be glorified in anything and everything we do. 

thanks for that guys. much appreciated. two more weeks!!!

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2 thoughts on “week seven: strain.

  1. Anonymous says:

    *ahem* “affect” my days, actually. Mr. Honors College.
    also, I literally shook my head when I read that you had been drifting away. Mainly, because I know that it was not happening. And I know I know, Jessica you weren’t there Jessica you don’t know God’s plans Jessica i’m not perfect. Correct, on all three things. But here’s what I do know.
    I know that I went an entire summer rarely reading the Bible. I worked 12 hour days and we were lucky if staff remembered to pray each day by lunch time. I spent all summer pouring into someone who would later be mean to me and leave me for drugs.
    And that’s okay. Because all that time, God was working in me. And it didn’t matter that I wasn’t reading the Bible. I was living it.
    AND THATS WHAT YOU’RE DOING. stop and look around, Brad. You’re affecting all these people. You just aren’t stopping. You’re going so much that you feel like you’re disconnecting because you haven’t had time to rest. But really, you’re growing closer. God is straining you because it’s His next step. You’re being yoked to Him by this discomfort. You’re growing so much closer because this is new territory. It’s unfamiliar. Unfamiliar and intimate.

  2. Anonymous says:

    *ahem* “affect” my days, actually. Mr. Honors College.

    also, I literally shook my head when I read that you had been drifting away. Mainly, because I know that it was not happening. And I know I know, Jessica you weren’t there Jessica you don’t know God’s plans Jessica i’m not perfect. Correct, on all three things. But here’s what I do know.

    I know that I went an entire summer rarely reading the Bible. I worked 12 hour days and we were lucky if staff remembered to pray each day by lunch time. I spent all summer pouring into someone who would later be mean to me and leave me for drugs.

    And that’s okay. Because all that time, God was working in me. And it didn’t matter that I wasn’t reading the Bible. I was living it.

    AND THATS WHAT YOU’RE DOING. stop and look around, Brad. You’re affecting all these people. You just aren’t stopping. You’re going so much that you feel like you’re disconnecting because you haven’t had time to rest. But really, you’re growing closer. God is straining you because it’s His next step. You’re being yoked to Him by this discomfort. You’re growing so much closer because this is new territory. It’s unfamiliar. Unfamiliar and intimate.

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