lasts.

 who imagined the sun and gives source to its light,
yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night?
none can fathom.
 

many last things have been popping up this week. it makes sense, but it sucks. i’ve already said goodbye to some friends, have planned final lunches with others, and soon i’ll be all packed up and going home. is this real? it sure doesn’t feel like it. part of me was thinking how, when i first came here, i sort of subconsciously thought of it as nothing more than a break from regular life… as in, now that i’ve had a year of college, time to go back to high school and it’s fun and its drama. i’m not sure why, and i certainly don’t think that way now, but i slowly realized it as i was walking back to deho.

college is sort of my life now. it’s weird, because i won’t be home for the majority of the summer. i’ll be home for three weeks, sort of like christmas break, and then i’m at camp for ten weeks. then i’m back at school. it’ll feel like i basically didn’t leave. part of that is nice; it’ll feel natural to start back up again. but it’ll suck, too, because it’s a further affirmation that i’m getting older and my life is changing.

maybe that doesn’t seem to make sense. it does to me. it means that i won’t be going back home to the exact same friendships that i had before. people will have changed, much like i have, just in different ways, and because of that, it’s like going home and hanging out with new people. and then, over summer my bsu friends will have changed too, so it’s like coming back to different people.

maybe it’s also because i sort of feel like i just settled in. a lot of that has to do with new life. i love my muncie church. the people, the teaching, the programs i’m involved in… it’s helped me in so many ways. God has really used it to minister to and teach me. don’t get me wrong; cornerstone is a beautiful church and i love those people more than anything… i was one of the founding members, and it will always, always have a very special place in my heart. but lately, it hasn’t felt like my church. we’re getting a new pastor, people have moved out, and i won’t even be there over the summer, except for the first three weeks. then i’ll be back at new life.

this change. i don’t like it. but it’s necessary, and a part of growing up. i know that. it’s just… i don’t even know. i don’t like change. i like new things, but not change.

so many last things this week.

i attended my last service at new life for the year. it was great. we talked about the character of God as a Creator and our relationship with Him. the music was beautiful, i got to ride with jason and sarah, and i was able to fellowship with the people. i even got to sign up for this social networking site that the church has, so i can stay in touch with people! i’m excited. new life’s been such a blessing this year, with it’s people and teaching. i got to spend easter lunch with the stevens and bouws and some guests, and i felt totally comfortable with them. they felt like church family, you know? not some people who reach out to the pitifully lonely college kid that has no other friends. i got to know their kids really well, which always seems to make a difference, because i’m never only with the adults of the family; that’s just how things always turn out. i have thoroughly enjoyed and benefitted from my time there.

it was also my last time to meet with parker for kids hope. i’m so conflicted about it. parker told me at the end of our ime that he didn’t want to do it next year (but that “it’s not like… because you’re a bad person, okay?”). My first instinct was to be a little relieved, and maybe that’s telling. i just don’t know if i’ll have time to do everything i’m doing now next year because of my commitment with cru. i want to put my effort and time into being a bible study leader, and while i don’t necessarily dislike the idea of meeting with parker again next year, i don’t know if i’ll have the energy to. i’m still conflicted about whether or not this is just me being selfish and wanting to only do things where i can see the benefits of my efforts, though. is that wrong? i hate feeling like this about it. i will definitely miss parker though. i just wish i had helped him in some way. i honestly don’t know if i did.

i saw lea for the last time this week. actually, there’s a picture i have! here’s me and lea from last week:

we did face painting, and he wanted to get a scar like harry potter. if you look closely, you can see that he also had me write “i must not tell lies” in red on his hand, mimicking what that one teacher made harry do. kind of morbid, but he was really excited. anyway, last week was the last time college mentors met, but my gift for him hadn’t come in the mail yet (long story. long, frustrating story). so i was invited to come along with meghan and courtney to eaton elementary to have lunch with lea, and i did! it was really fun. he liked his gifts, and introduced me to his friends and stuff. it was rewarding seeing that he’d been talking about me to his friends and that he was genuinely excited to see me. he’s not sure if he’ll be doing it again next year, but i hope he is. i’m moving up to middle school, so if he does, we’ll be matched again, which would be really cool.

i’m so tired. i just want this week to be done. i want to be home. i’m just on the brink of being slightly blue cause of all the goodbyes, but i’m also super pumped for what lies ahead. we shall see!

that’s all for now.

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