i’m in one of those moods i hate. the one where i feel sort of sad and sort of nostalgic and sort of defeated. i think the whole end of the year thing is hitting me, as it does every year. one of the things that is the most odd is that i’m not experiencing this in high school. well… that’s not quite it. it’s like, i’m seeing my senior high school friends going through the same thing i did as a senior, and i’m sort of re-experiencing it. at the same time, i feel completely disconnected from them, because we live in totally different worlds now. and so it’s like… i don’t know. part of me wonders if they remember me, you know? or like if they’re still invested in me the way i’m invested in them. i still want to know what’s going on in their lives and stuff. i don’t know if it’s the same on their end.
that sounds horribly melodramatic, and i really don’t like it. but that is how i’m feeling. plus all the normal end of the year stuff that’s going on anyway. feeling kind of sad because i won’t see my friends for a few months. a few long months. and while camp is gonna be freaking awesome, it means i won’t be seeing my family either. which sucks a lot. i mean i’m really excited about camp. really, really excited. it’s just that i won’t be able to invest in the lives of my friends, my wyldlife guys, and others the way i wish to be. that makes it almost not worth it, you know?
i hate this whole choosing thing. i desperately want to be two people, so i can experience everything i want to. that way i could stay home and go to camp at the same time.
i think also there’s something else weighing down on me. i got asked to be a freshman bible study leader next year. this is super awesome, and i do want to. nathan got asked as well, and it would be an awesome experience to lead wit him. zack didn’t get asked. i don’t think he’s surprised (from what he told me) and if i’m being completely honest, it doesn’t really surprise me, but i’m still extremely disappointed. i’m afraid of two things: first, that zack will assume he didn’t get chosen because he disagrees with austin on some things (like submission and the role of the man in a relationship) and therefore, he "isn’t qualified" to be a leader… that’s not really the case. second, i’m afraid that, like austin, i will becaome the face of cru to zack. i’m afraid he will further resent it, and therefore begin to resent me. i’m afraid that he’ll think that i think that because he didn’t get chosen, he’s not as good as me. i’m afraid it’ll just be super awkward.
zack is my best friend. i love him like crazy. but a few times, i’ve seen the way he’s reacted to certain things, and i get worried that something really stupid could change our friendship. and i don’t want that to happen.
of course, being in this stupid mood puts a damper on everything.
so i’m just going to go to bed. tomorrow is easter 🙂 and i have some fun plans, so it should be good.
now i rest.