habla corazón…

so this spanish test. not so ready for it.

i just got done finishing the online workbook assignment, and the truth is i just don’t know any of the vocab. at this point, cramming will do nothing. i’ll just get more stressed and will end up sleeping less, which means i’ll just do worse on the test anyway.

sometimes i wonder about spanish being my minor. i haven’t declared it yet, so there’s no pressure, but i really want to minor in it. i do enjoy the language because it makes sense, and it makes sense to learn it too. spanish is becoming a language that everyone should speak, and seeing as how God willing i’ll be going into counseling, it just seems smart. again, it doesn’t hurt that i like it.

but then i’m up at 2:30 in the morning because i wasn’t able to figure everything out fast enough. i don’t know. whateverrrrrr.

tomorrow is college mentors. i’m excited. i really enjoy it. lea is a fun kid, always eager to talk and hang out. we have our own secret handshake, i’ve let him in on the secret code, and we have a place to stash notes where no one else will find them. plus i’m sort of instilling into him (i hope) the habit of holding doors, especially for girls. he doesn’t mind when i ask him to, at least, and i’ll take that. i have to come up with a community service project for the kids to do in april though, and i’m still not sure what that’s going to look like. yayyyy… i know i’ll think of something, but i just hate not knowing.

but it’s okay, because tomorrow i have college mentors and bible study.

am i filling my life with things? like, instead of God? i’m reading this book with eric about how the cross should be the center of my life always. that even if i’m doing things that are good, i miss the point if i’m not being happy in Christ through them, if that makes sense. and i know i’m guilty of being legalistic, not necessarily in the sense that i feel the need to earn my forgiveness, but rather God’s favor. which isn’t the case, i know. i just act like it is. all the time. it’s just so difficult to find that balance between doing things to please God and doing things that please God because i’ve found my happiness and purpose in Him and the cross.

now i’m getting into stuff that i’m not sure about. which isn’t usual for me. i don’t say that arrogantly… i just usually know what i’m thinking. when i’m blank, things are uncomfortable for me.

what is it about typing my thoughts out as opposed to writing them out) that makes me feel safer? i know in all likelihood no one’s gonna be reading this stuff. but still. online? i don’t want this to replace my journal, for two reasons. one, i want to fill my journal up because that would be cool. i know, it’s lame, but i’ve always wanted a full journal. it makes me feel like i have stuff worth saying. prideful? yeah. true? …yeah. the second reason is that there is something intensely personal about writing with a paper and pen. i’m all for the laptop, but i personally would not be able to meditate on scripture while typing my thoughts out. at least not on livejournal.

whatever. it’s late. i’m going to bed.

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